Four
No. 2 at the sink, her hair still wet from the bath
No. 4, the fun one, always ready to laugh and be silly
No. 3, or Batman, as he likes to be called, up to his usual nonsensical antics
No. 1, the first-grader at his quad of desks after the Christmas concert
I always thought I wanted 5 or 6 kids. When I would pretend to be "running errands" on my bike, riding through an orchard of trees that were, in my imagination, stores and offices, I envisioned 5 or 6 kids in the back of my car. In imaginary land, my mind always reverted me to the role of Mother. And I've never questioned that role since. Even when I was single and hopelessly unmarried (only in Provo, UT can a 21-year-old singleton feel she is the age of the ancients), I still desired to someday be a mom.
Fast forward 10 years to me, now: 31-years old, married, four children to call my own and I stay at home with them day in and day out. I now have these little people in my life that I always imagined I would have. It feels surreal. What were once littler glimmers in my eye (what does that mean exactly?) are now toddling around my house, throwing tantrums, eating what I cook, and following my rules (sometimes). Child by child, I have created a mini-me-Universe, where even their feet look like mine, not to mention their hair color, a girlish-raspy voice, and the same mannerisms. It's spooky and so amazing at the same time.
So, what do I do now? My cup is full. My emotions are maxed out on a daily basis and I don't have the energy, (at least for now and what looks like the future) to raise anymore of these beautiful creatures. They require all that I have to offer and more on all levels. I want to give them all that I have, which most of the time feels like it's not enough. I don't feel like I could handle 1 or 2 more children on top of these four, which doesn't coincide with my childhood notions of having 5 or 6 kids.
I have thought alot about this in the past year or so and I have decided that it's okay. It's okay that I will probably not have more than 4 children (and, to be honest, I haven't given away my maternity clothes, yet). But, I really don't feel like I need to overextend myself to the point of being too stressed and too overwhelmed just to fulfill a childhood dream. It's okay. The children I have are a handful and adding any more to the mix would push me over the edge.
I loved this talk from LDS General Conference about children. It hit it on the head. I'm just putting this topic out there because it's been on my mind alot and I thought maybe others would have some thoughts as well. If you do, please share.
7 comments:
I loved this talk and have thought about it often. My boys are often more than I can handle, but I know it's because the Lord is trying to teach me patience. I am not a patient person by nature, so this is truly a big challenge for me. I feel maxed some days, and often put pressure on myself for the number I've had in my mind my whole life (same as you, 5 or 6). I always just say, one at a time!
I learned long ago to just take one at a time. So, as you can imagine my dream of having 12 will never come true. It's okay, really, it's okay! Great post and hope you guys are doing well!
I can't tell you often this on my mind! I had two boys before I was diagnosed with cancer.. I thought that for sure ment I wasn't going to be able to have anymore, let alone raise the two no already had! Now three years later, I have a 8 month old baby girl!.. The Lord works in mysterious ways! Since I had her I can't get this rid of this feeling that she is supposed to have a sister, and soon! My husband says we r done! We originally wanted 5 or 6... Then we had our 1st child!:) lol. I have no idea if we will get one more or non... But I realize I am not in charge...(gulp!) remember , the lord sends his babies where they need to be! I know I just need to be grateful for the ones I do have! And do my best for them!
This has been increasingly on my mind as it gets closer for our little #4 to be born. I used to want 5, but as life moves on, I think i'd be totally happy with our 4. As one of my cousins recently said "4 is the new 6."
I just wrote an entry on motherhood in my blog abundantavenue.com. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I always have wanted 4 so we'll see!
You hit the nail on the head! I thought I wanted 6 too. Your babies are so beautiful! They have grown so much in the past 7 months since we both left Cleveland. It's hard to soak all of it in when they grow so quickly. Miss you friend.
I totally understand that feeling...well, not as well as you do. It only took me having one child (and taking forever to get that one child as well) that made me quickly decide that I would be ok with three, maybe four children. I had always pictured five since that's what I came from and I thought it was perfect. But I think everyone has to decide for themselves what is good for them. Children are wonderful, but exhausting and time consuming. And like you said - you want to give everything you can to the ones you have. I wouldn't want to be worn so thin that I don't have the time or energy to give as much. And btw, you seem like a GREAT mom and amazingly talented homemaker and crafter. I'd say you're already above average. :)
Post a Comment