"She's That Good"
Last night, I had a complete meltdown in the quiet hours after the kids were asleep, alone with Travis. I was feeling crappy.
There's been alot of talk lately of NieNie in the blogworld. I have been an avid reader of her dialogues since I first heard of her from my sister Whitney several years ago. And, I'm the first to admit: I feel like a schlumpy mother in comparison to whom we have all come to lovingly know as the Nie. As my sister Erin said recently, "The Nielson's could be translated." (They're that good.)
So, I've had to come to terms with myself, mainly my mothering, lately. Because I can't just let my inadequate feelings fester. My feelings have run the gamut from foolishly feeling like supermom (that one is entirely made-up) to the schlumpy, frumpy mom who can't control her kids and freaks out when Lucy spills her milk. I wonder: where do I fit into the equation? If so-and-so is a good mom and does X, Y and Z, I must be a bad, lousy mom. (There's-only-so-much-of-the-pie-sort of mentality). That thought has seemed completely true at times over the past several weeks. It leaves me feeling rather yucky.
But, I can't go about my motherly duties without some conviction of my worth as a mother, the prime caretaker of our children. So, I stew. I weigh. I ponder. I get jealous. I rationalize. And I end up crying with a box of Kleenex to my husband.
And, he listens quietly, no response. I wonder what he's thinking. Then, he tells me what I should say to people who scoff at me and my kids in stores and tell me I should do this or that, things totally not their business. (I can't repeat the words on this blog, but it involves a vintage picture of a woman holding a cup of coffee...maybe you've seen it before.) It softens me and now I'm crying because I have been blessed with a husband who takes it all in stride and knows not to take me too seriously when I get like this. But, he understood me and was on my side.
I came upstairs after "having it all out" to go to bed and call it a night. I checked on the kids, sawing logs, in their unusually-contorted bodily positions. I looked at Lucy, and stroked her cheek. She looked beautiful, perfect, innocent. It occurred to me that our children will turn out in spite of us.
I feel the need to confess how shallowly I tread on being a good mother. I had one heck of a mother, who I will forever watch and stand back in awe. She's that good. I was driving with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she commented I seemed like I had it all together and was doing great as a mom. I was caught in a lie. That was SO NOT TRUE and it cried "FALSE!" the second those words came from her lips. She had it all wrong, I thought.
I want to clarify for her, and any of those who may falsely assume my life is peachy and I've "got it all together." Don't believe it for one second. (Most of you probably already know this). But, let me make it clear:
There's a dust collection on my dresser table that would shock you
I spend about 2 seconds flat brushing Lucy's teeth every night
I struggle to read my scriptures daily---lucky to read 4 times a week
I don't usually shower or get ready for my day until 4 PM, which means I run errands looking pretty schlumpy
I mentally complain when I make Travis' lunch most nights
I stared at the clock every 15 minutes yesterday asking myself, How soon until I can put Finn and Lucy to bed?
I feel like I have more wrinkles than the average 28-year-old
Each day I have to tell myself multiple times that I can get through it and that I can handle 2 kids (soon-to-be-three). "Fake it 'til you make it," modus operandi.
And, truth be told, deep down, I know I can't do it alone. I never could no matter how brilliant or patient or generous. Last night I just needed to lay my heavy load down for a second and let someone else feel the weight of it for a while. Having someone acknowledge my weight was enough. I can put my "backpack" on and wear it around for one more day, like I will need to do over and over again for a long, long time.
Last night, I had a complete meltdown in the quiet hours after the kids were asleep, alone with Travis. I was feeling crappy.
20 comments:
loved your post. we all struggle i think. i always tell myself "i'll do better tomorrow, i'll be better tomorrow" sometimes i follow through...but the days keep going by and i'm still stuck in the same rut of not improving. based on your blog, you seem like an amazing mother. i think we all do the best we can.
I'll do you one better on your list.
1) You can't see the dust on my dresser through all the other crap that's on it (although the other crap is covered in dust).
2) I'm lucky if I remember to brush my OWN teeth before bed
3) Until this week, I can't remember the last time I read my scriptures.
4) I'm lucky if I get a shower in every day, but if I do, it's often around the late afternoon also.
5) Ben makes his own lunch
6) I count down the minutes until Ben gets home so I can hand Julie over to him so I can have some non-occupied time before I have to put her to bed, because she needs ME for that.
7) I feel like I have more zits than the average 27-year-old.
8) At least once a day I wonder if I can ever handle more than one, and Julie's not even that hard.
Feel better now? :)
I think we all have our lists of "I suck because . . ." Sometimes it helps to remember that everyone has those lists and sometimes it doesn't help. It just depends on the day. There was a girl in my old ward that I looked at and held on a pedestal. I cried to myself over and over because I couldn't make myself be as patient as she is. She always referred to her son as "my friend" (not my friend, but her friend) and it bugged me until I realized it bugged me because I was jealous.
You are right. Your kids will turn out fine. And the reason is because you love them and you're trying. That's all it takes. Leave the dust where it is, it never cared for you anyway!
I'll bet Nie nie would make the same confessions about mothering. In fact I am sure I read her say her sisters came to her rescue when she was so sick and pregnant.
Now you must know I am a hypocrit in telling you to accept your goodness. I must confess that I always felt like a failure as a mother. I knew all my short comings and was the first to acknowledge them. As I read your blog I see such a devoted mother caring diligently for young children. God bless you to be better than I and feel of your great goodness as Mother.
Guess what? You are like the rest of us! Take a deep cleansing breathe about every hour! It helps!
You spoke my words...well almost. I think when we feel "less" than the mother we want to be..we are the hardest on ourselves. Why? I have yet to figure this out. ;)
take care, mama! j.c. california
Last weekend was my annual scrapbook weekend in OR. with some friends. You're name came up as I worked on some pictures of you and Travis, and some of the gals asked about you. As usual, I had only the VERY BEST things to say about my fabulous daughter in law, then I heard comments like "Wow, most mother in laws are as happy with their DIL's as that" and some of the gals were a little suprised. But honestly, if I could have hand picked a wife for Travis and a mother for I grand kids, I couldn't have found anyone better that you. I love you and I love that since you are their mom, I don't have to worry about my grand kids. And you and Travis really compliment each other well. You make a super cute couple. Love ya!
Sometimes I feel like blogging, in all it's goodness, can also compound our feelings of inadequacy. It's not fair to compare ourselves with the "selves" bloggers put out there for the world to see. That's a disservice to who we are.
You are an amazing person, mother, friend with more natural talent in your little finger than I have in my whole body.
And I agree with Mary Ann, we're all doing our best. And each of our bests is different.
Love this post Sarah. Your words are so true for each of us as mothers.
Something I have to remember to help me not compare myself to others (because I do that WAY too often) is that I am doing MY best. My best may be different from someone else's best, but it doesn't matter. As long as I feel like I am doing all I can, that's what is important. The problem is, I don't tell myself this enough. I need to be better about that.
Oh Sarah!! Maybe it is the week for feeling sorry for ourselves. I totally felt the same way on Monday and Tuesday, except I wanted away from it all. I told my husband I wanted to go stay in a hotel for a day/night ALONE!! Anyway 2 little miracles happened One:when I was rocking Samuel back to sleep at 2am I had the thought I need to live more in the moment. He'll be on a mission before I know it and i'll SO miss this. Two:I read the VT message wed. morning before going to visit and it is a great message. If you get a chance read (or reread). It really helped me see the bigger picture. Ok sorry for the novel!!
ps I think you're a WONDERFUL mom
You are the best MOM!!! Holy cow! You are always cooking, creating, and doing something wonderful for your family. I love how you see the awe in such little things like Finn's shoes to Lucy sitting on your lap eating your oatmeal. You are great at documenting your life and your sweet little family. I know you will be blessed with strength beyond your own when your new little baby arrives. Heavenly Father knows what you need and knows that you give your all, and for that, he will help to make up the rest. Just know, that I think I am better for knowing you! You definitely inspire me and I am grateful for that... here's to a new day and a new start! Love you!
Sarah you're amazing. The funniest time is when I had one of these breakdowns with you while eating chinese food on the ground. I was getting ready to leave on my mission and you said, "Why are you crying, is it because you can't use chopsticks?" The funny thing was is that was totally why. I broke down today too. I told Dan he's going to have to decide when to have the next kid because I can't do it without a ton of his help and with two he will have to step it up a lot. So we'll see when he's ready. Ha, now I think it's funny but it wasn't funny yesterday or this morning. Like you said I needed someone to help me carry the load and now I'm ok again. I just took Tate out (my worst thing ever to do because he screams the whole time)and bought two silk filled comforters, two duvet cover, two pillows, two sets of sheets, and two pillow cases for $240 USD. That is when living in China is all worth it. I didn't even have to bargain that hard. Pheww. I needed that stuff and it has taken me 3 places to find it for a price I could afford. The real malls wanted over $100 for one sheet, not fitted.
Btw--I think it's funny that you complain about making travi's lunch mentalls. Dan doesn't get breakfast or lunch out of this girl. He's lucky if he gets dinner.
I meant to say "mentally complain about making Travis' lunch." And also btw, I'm down again because we thought we solved our babysitting problem by hiring one of Dan's Chinese employees to watch Tate. We had a branch activity close to here so we thought it would be a good tester. Well about 30 minutes ago I got a call and he was screaming and she couldn't get him to stop. I can never leave him with anyone. I can't even communicate with the babysitter just hand motions. This is serious.
isn't it interesting to read about someone else's feelings of inadequacy and even thought i am not a mother, Sarah, I have those same feelings with what i do for a living. i don't know if there will ever be any escape because these feelings seem to pop up no matter where we are in life.. what i do know is that you are creative (could put me out of a job) and you've always got something going and you are fun. and one day, you will see the byproduct of your many many many sacrifices.. know that i love the friendship (even though it's been years since i've seen you) and that you are an inspiration to ME. that's why i keep reading. travis sounds like a great man. hugs for you....
Sarah, I read this entry this morning and have been thinking about you all day. I know my advice isn't really worth that much because I can't totally relate to being a mother but I did have a thought that I wanted to share with you. We all end up comparing ourselves to people around us, regardless of what we are comparing. Whether it be parenting skills, or body image, etc. But I was thinking about it and you are the very best mother your kids are ever going to have because they'll only have one mother. If we can shrink our perspective to what's really important, then there's not so much to compare ourselves against. What's most important to your kids is you and nobody else.
Hey- I thought about you all during the talk from Pres. Uchtdorf last night. Did you make it to the relief Society broadcast? I ended up watching it online at the place we babysit. Anyways, I thought it totally hit all the doubts and worries you were having! Did you feel that way? Heavenly Father has a way of answering our prayers and sending us comfort. If you didn't make it, you have to get online and watch it. It was great!
I know I always struggle with my self-worth as a mother. It is hard to avoid comparing ourselves to other mothers. I tend to go through cycles of remembering what is important and what is not. I often get caught up in thinking that to be a good mom, I need to have a spotless house, gourmet meals, a well manicured yard, well dressed kids who behave perfectly, my own hair fixed, make homemade wheat bread, take cookies to my neighbor, etc.
I don't get too far down this path of thinking before I have my meltdown (and my husband can testify that I have them often) because I just can't do it. Then I remember what is important-- giving my children my time. I lay on the floor and play with them, read them books, and tickle them while the dishes pile up, I throw a frozen dinner in the microwave for dinner, and walk around with a wet ponytail all day. Then I'm happy as a mother because I'm giving them my time. Eventually I start looking at other moms, the comparisons start again, the breakdown, the remembering and so forth. Maybe eventually I'll figure out the proper balance, but I'm not sure that will happen in this life.
Let me just say ditto then I don't have to write it on my blog. By the way yesterday I told myself I couldn't complain anymore about Jeff being gone for his calling. So atleast your complaining isn't church related!
I love that you post things like this on your blog. After just getting into blogging, I have come to realize that some people blog for other people...so they can "appear" to have it all put together and perfect. Some people blog for themselves and happen to inspire others through their thoughts. Thank you for being inspiring to me. I really appreciate it. When we have these "breakdowns"... and we ALL have them, it is nice to see that you are not the only one who feels like this and we all have a lot more in common than we think. Thanks!
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